One Little Step, One Bright Lightbulb

I wrote this here back in June of 2010:

"Finally, Aikido is good for my Aiki spirit. It was toward the end of a very long and difficult time in my life. I was having some very serious personal relationship issues. She came into my life unexpectedly, and made that difficult time even worse. I have never been treated so badly before, or since. The Aikido helps me deal with the feelings I still carry. I would like to forgive, but I am not in that place yet. It has never affected any part of my daily life, but if you were to ask, I'd immediately tell you that, no, I haven't forgotten, nor have I forgiven. I would like to be able to forget. I'm not sure about the forgiving part, though. Maybe I'll never get the one without the other."

Aiki spirit means to join with someone rather than to fight. In the dojo it typically refers to the physical, but we can also blend the mental, emotional, or spiritual. I realized this week that I've been thinking about something that wasn't even happening. Once again, I've found that I'm dealing with a perception, while ignoring the reality. I got a terrific dose of reality this week.

I found a blog the other day. It belongs to a woman I knew a long time ago. Sadly I was in a very bad place at the time, so I was not able to have a healthy relationship with this woman. I've known this for a long time, and in my heart, I have taken responsibility for that.

I suppose it was the aiki spirit in me that decided to reach out. I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I know what I found. I found that while I thought I was carrying a lot of bad feelings, I was not. I wrote a comment on her blog, similar to the comments I leave other diarists on www.OpenDiary.com, where I keep my main blog. I wrote something that was hardly profound, but in my own clumsy way expressed concern, hope, and good wishes. I also mentioned that she had a nice family, as she had posted some photos.

While the old me would have balked at posting the comment, this me, the gentle Aikido warrior me, posted the comment with no hesitation. Then I let out a long, slow breath and realized something.

There was no anger, no resentment, no bitternes. Nothing but calm, stillness, peace.

I've been wondering to myself when I would be able to forgive the past, only to realize that I already forgave years ago. It's only been my mental blindness that's kept me from realizing what my heart already did years ago.

Will she write back at some point? I don't know, and honestly, it doesn't really matter. I have realized that I am at peace with this, and have been for a very long time. The only feelings and memories that are left are good ones. I can look back on everything that happened and be grateful for all of it, because it, along with everything else, brought me to where I am today. I would not trade that for the world.